The First Step

I finally went to see my Doctor with my wife on 27 Dec 2012, after a breakdown on Xmas Day. My wife came with me to support me, but after the initial appointment, I continued to go to the see my GP on a regular basis, I separated my life. I think part of me obviously did not want to talk about, admit to my illness, my demons and feelings to the people closest to me. The other part of me, I felt that I was protecting my wife, children and family, by not telling them anything. I could talk to my Doctor and Therapist, but I could not speak to the people that needed to know why I was ill and what they could do, to help me. It was like having two lives, my mental health life and my family/work life.

This is the exact same approach I took with work and my professional life. Colleagues did not have a clue what I was going through. There were times it was very hard to hide it, but I promise you, I did it very well. Nobody at work had any idea what I was going through or that I was ill. I could not have colleagues or people at work knowing that I was suffering, neither did I have one day off in this period of time. I could not admit defeat or the shame of it.

Leading up to Xmas Day, 2012, I knew that there was something wrong with me because of my thoughts, feelings and my body. I was struggling to function and I had some strange symptoms for the previous six months. I knew something was not quite right, but my mindset was to carry on as normal, tough it out and it will all go away. I was brought up by my Dad, single parent, disciplinarian and a man’s man. It always rings inside my head, “come on son, shake yourself up, you’ll be fine”. When I was younger, I would have to be at deaths door before he even contemplated a day off. My Dad did not do time off work, so his son was not going to.

Xmas day was the final straw for my wife, me and my body. I honestly thought that I was having a heart attack, of all things, on Xmas day. I often say to people that the only way to describe my heart beat, was when you see cartoon characters and their heart is booming out of their chests. I was wet through, warm but cold and covered in sweat. My feet and hands were cold, I thought I was dying. I said to my wife, if I die please look after the children.

Admitting to your biggest inner fears, things from my past and demons is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was totally ashamed to feel the way I did, that I was having bad thoughts about me and my life. I felt totally worthless, inadequate and a let-down to the people closest to me.

It took me six years to find the strength to talk, to talk openly about my problems with family and friends. Once people knew, everything, it has been so much easier

and also meant I have a support group. This has helped my rehabilitation so much and is my outlet on a daily basis.

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