5th October 2022

Every day is perhaps different in a new country, and maybe it has to be. Today is a day of loneliness…feeling small and invisible…as a woman, as a POC…my needs ignored, even by my partner. That’s just life in a patriarchy though.

There’s something deeply destabilizing about not having a routine. Yeah, you left because you wanted change. But must every day be different? Is routine anathema to discovery and adventure? Perhaps it is. And maybe I’m just old and I’ve had too many adventures and now I want safety. Take the tram route you know after it’s dark because maybe the city is safe and maybe it’s not. Maybe you don’t know what safe is. Without routine, in a strange house in a strange country.

The thing about safety, after you’ve been harmed so much so many times, is that it becomes about the anticipation. The fear that something may happen, and you don’t know what it is that could happen and nothing has really happened yet. Just a feeling. And your whole life revolves around that feeling. You keep telling yourself to be rational, and you are, for the most part. But your body doesn’t trust rationality…rationality has failed it way too many times. So it stays on alert, waiting to protect itself against all the imaginary monsters. So you keep your safety in knowledge, in routine, in keeping to the things you can control, the things you know.

Anyway, this whole rant today was to say that I refused to take a bus today. The tram is the only thing I know here and I’m clinging to if with my life, for my life. Atleast doay.

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