New Home Ruler

There was a time before we brought my newborn baby daughter home from the hospital that I thought of myself as a “take charge” kind of guy. I was very confident in my ability to handle any situation that came my way. With the birth of our daughter that perception of myself was changed forever.

Upon arrival to our home this little person took complete and total control of every aspect of our lives. Like a powerful little dictator, she absolutely refused to consider the possibility of ever relinquishing her power.

As a new father I had so much to learn. My first lesson was that this tiny creature who weighed less than ten pounds was now the new sheriff in town. Armed with just a healthy set of lungs and a highly functional voice box this little person set about turning me and my wife into her personal servants. We became totally dedicated to taking care of her every need and desire.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

“Sweetheart, daddy is watching a very important game. Please stop crying. I’ll get you your bottle right after this play.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

“All right, all right, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

When I was a kid one of the biggest challenges for us boys was to think of new and innovative methods to gross each other out. We’d do this in various creative ways and especially when armed with cafeteria food. If you could get someone to hold their mouth while running from the cafeteria it was a good day.

I’ve come to realize we were nothing but a bunch of low-ranking gross-out amateurs. The experience of changing the diaper of a newborn baby is probably on display at the gross-out hall of fame.

“AAAAH, whoa, hey, this kid wins the gross-out contest and is the official champion. She is impressive because she didn’t even need cafeteria food to do it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Never mind.”

The little new boss also attracted more attention than a movie star. After we brought my daughter home from the hospital we were besieged by people with cameras, video recorders and every other photographic recording device known. This was an effort by friends and family to try and get any type…

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