Lost trying to find myself

So I made it to the film school i wanted to get into all 2018. Its one month into 2019, and I’m already having an itch to write for peace within.

I’m not sure how to begin. I’ll abruptly say I’ve had thoughts about quitting school like a week after. Can you believe that because I can’t. This is what I wanted right? But now I don’t I guess.

Actually I never wanted this. Life was just forcing me to want this. I chose to go to school to get out of the tech reality and for practical expereince. I forgot whats its like being school. I forgot that this is a whole new enviroment from what I’d been in in the past. I just feel like I’m past that stage where someone spoon feeds me ionformation. I’m at a point where I can go and figure it out. And, school is not that environment. But I’m in school, and i feel like i have no brain to my own. Its frustrating. It’s testing my paticence. I’m not saying I dont need someone to teach me thing. I’m saying I know everything. All I’m saying is i know when to go to someone for help or guidence. I’m an independent thinker. Anyway this is just the overall feeling.

There’s so much more to vent but I dont want to put those thoughts on this platform. I wish to tell them to a close person or something. I don't even have a close person to go to besides my parents, who have had enough in a good way. So I wish there’s a friend I can go to…someone who cares enough to listen …someone who makes me feel like I’m not taking his/her time or bothering them with my troubles and guides me a bit. The only person I can think of is a therapist. But I’d like to find a proper friend… a friend who I can listen to also.

I don’t know. I’m still struggling. I also feel like I’m not sure with myself. This whole move to London and film school is just so different for me. Everything in my life is different right now. I’m getting taught a creative subject for the first time. I’m living on my own for the first time. I’m in a new country. My expereinces everyday are different. The people around me are all different. Every single second is new…like its so much its just putting me out of place emotionally.

I love London though. I’m enjoying this city life. I love the tube transportation. It only took me a few days to figure everything out. It feel great to be in London and to live here. I’m currently sitting in the best starbucks I’ve seen in my life. It’s great. I love London. The streets are beautiful. Covent Garden is beautiful. Its warm in dead winter. I’m fine here. But I do wish I’m living in a cleaner house. My room isnt that great, but It’s saving me some money. I have not yet visited the attractions. I will soon go to the bridge and make a nice tour. I will bring my film camera and do some street photography. I can’t wait for time to feel right for that.

I’m only writing all these stressfull things in my life so I can empty them out and be positive with people. I just want to be happy and inspired and love people and be my best. I’m gonna go back to books that made me who i am. I will figure this out. I will be more patient. I will love myself.

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